Friday, November 26, 2010
what is it all for? ♥
5:05 PM
i'm home alone again, but i think i'm getting used to it. i think i'm slowly starting to become reclusive, i'm starting to prefer being by myself with my own thoughts, than trying to make an effort having a conversation with someone when i'm not completely myself. these past few weeks/months have been so hard on me.. everything's been piling up and i find it buried in me most of the time. whenever i try to talk about the things bothering me, i don't fully rant and let go because it sounds so stupid when it's not just in my mind anymore. i feel like people just listen, but then what else can they do? the emptiness, the crappy shitty feeling is still there. and the more i try to get rid of those feelings, the more i feel ashamed of my feelings and then more i think i sound like a broken record player, complaining about the same thing over and over again. people are there for you, but to what point? sooner or later, they get tired of it too. i don't know how they wouldn't, when even i am so so tired of it. i feel so helpless and i'm so pushed to my breaking point that i seriously have to fight the urge to cry every night. i wanna run away, to a completely different place. i need to get off this pattern of having temporary happiness and avoiding my problems because it ends up biting me in the ass every single time. i'm stuck in this rut and i can't seem to get out.