Hi, i'm Claudine! Freshman at Whitney High School, reppin' the class of 2012. God, family, and friends mean the world to me. I love reading books, especially if they're interesting. I couldn't imagine life without music, it really is my therapy. Bonding makes my day & i appreciate people who go out of their comfort zone to act like their selves with no restraint.

Linkage

Alice
Isabel
Joe
Kathy
Marissa
Michele
Michelle
Ralph
Sarah
Tiffany

May 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 January 2011 March 2011 May 2011

Lovedrops♥
x x x x

I am so broken. You have turned me into someone that i never wanted to be. The more i struggle to get away from you, the more your little ways suck me back in. I have never been so traumatized. I have never been this affected. I hate it so much. I hate the way I can forget it and push it so so far deep in but when it creeps up to me, it's even worse than before. I hate succumbing to it every single time. I'm so drained. Why couldn't you just believe in me? Why did you have to constantly deny who I claimed I was? Who I'm still trying to show you i am? Why couldn't you be there for me when i needed you the most, when i needed you more than anyone?  more than any time I've EVER needed anything? Why did I get support from complete strangers, when the you were the one who was supposed to love me unconditionally? Why can't you just love me for who I am? Why can't you stop trying to change me? You seem to have everything down right, yet when it comes to yourself, you can't even fathom the idea of applying those same ideas to your life. I have lost myself in the process of trying to run away from everything you want me to conform to.


Why are you so immature at times? Sometimes, I just want to keep reminding you that the world DOES NOT revolve around you.


I don't even have the energy left to write you a message. You're making me rethink, and not in a good way. I'm losing the motivation to pull through for you. I want to, but you're making it so hard. I don't know how much more of it I can take.



Do my words even have meaning at all anymore? Sometimes I really do wonder.

Am I just trying to fight off the inevitable?

I feel like i just discovered the secret of life, only it should've taken me faster to figure it out because it's so simple. That's just it.. it's SO simple! but i ALWAYS make everything a bigger deal than it is, when in all honesty, it holds such little importance, it is so inconsequential and should have no effect at all on my appreciation for life. I let everything affect me so much, that i forget what's around me. i forget how to appreciate things. but these past few days have been so eye opening. I feel it slipping away, maybe it's because i'm not used to it yet, or maybe i'm just trying so hard to hold on to it, but that's just it.. maybe it's just something that you FEEL, and it's impossible to hold onto.

As the days go by, i'm seriously not giving a fuck about what other people think anymore. and it feels SO GODDAMN AMAZING. because then, i don't have to answer to anyone anymore. I don't have to constantly question everything i say, or everything i do. And also, let me just say that being alone is so uplifting and calming and just so not a "loser" thing. And when you really think about it, how many other things can be uplifting and calming and amazing and awesome that we're afraid to try because other people label it as lame? How many things do we automatically discredit because it's not what "cool" kids do? God, this world is so ignorant. I long to meet people who think outside of just popularity and academics. People who think, REALLY think, and push their limits. I want to be around people who inspire me, who teach me things and help me grow.

I've made so many realizations lately.. I never really knew this about me, but i guess i subconsciously have the need to be in control of things. But now that i think about it, who doesn't? I guess being in control just makes me less vulnerable because then I know how things are gonna turn out. But is the unknown really that scary to me? I wish i could LET IT ALL GO. the need to know everything. I mean it's just unnecessary stress because even if you do think it out, you have no way of knowing what can happen. things change ALL the time. And I think i also realized that the reason i always change my mind when i talk to other people with different views is because i'm used to people telling me how to feel. or i feel as if that's somehow a way to indirectly tell me how i should feel. which is why i'm so unstable and can get pretty damn emotional. But does that even make sense? I'm not sure. I wish i was strong enough to hold my own. I feel like my thought process always changes.. which is good, i think. but it's so confusing. This whole life mystery thing is so borderline magically amazing and frustratingly complicated.

All my relationships have drained the shit out of me. and in a way, i guess that's really good. Otherwise I would never figure out what I keep doing wrong and I would forever be stuck in this unhealthy cycle. But it feels good to take some time for myself. I'm kind of sensing who i am again, me alone, me independent. and it feels so good to figure out for myself that i am enough for me.

Awareness is a pretty fucking awesome thing. I seriously feel so calm and at ease with everything. I know it won't stay there for long, which sucks, but having felt so sure and knowing that it's right for even just a second makes it all worth it. Everything just seems like it's in accordance, you know?!

On a side note, baby Braydon is coming soooon! =)

Do you ever just feel like you have so many thoughts in your head, but when you try to say them out loud, you completely lose your thought process? I really don’t know where I’m going with this but here it goes.


I know that people are meant to be in your life for a certain time period, maybe to just teach you a lesson, maybe to stay with you through that one experience, or maybe to stay there forever. But does that somehow limit the possible depth and intensity you may have with someone if you had the chance? I mean take it with family, no matter how angry you get with each other and no matter how much you hurt each other, you’re still always there for each other. That connection you have to them, is it because you feel like you have to because you’re “family”? But what if that family member isn’t even good for you, what if they’re just hindering you from growing? We still somehow feel the responsibility of staying, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I somewhat wish that I wouldn’t limit that feeling of connection and responsibility to just my family. Sometimes I wish that i wouldn’t completely lose my relationships with people, especially if they played such a big part in my life. Why do things even get awkward? Why do we stop trying? I know that the whole, incompatibility thing plays a big part and that they might not be on the same level as you anymore and that’s why things don’t work out, but isn’t that also the case for family? Rarely is there ever a family who has everyone on the same level. But isn’t that just a label too? Family? Why should it be different with everyone else? Labels make everything SO much more complicated. There’s just so many things that I was born into. So many things that I’m told that that’s just how it is and I NEVER QUESTIONED IT. But now, I just wanna forget everything that I’ve been told is fact. Because really, WHO KNOWS? Who knows what’s right or what’s wrong or how things should or should not be like? I want to experience everything for myself and set MY own beliefs.

I feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride. This past week, i've had such a thirst for LIFE. So many possibilities, theories, lessons, beauty! and lately, it's been fading. Maybe it's because i'm realizing i'm still stuck in this bubble and as much as i wanna explore what's out there, there are so many limitations. Or maybe i'm just the one limiting myself.. Honestly, when do we EVER get complete freedom? As long as you put yourself in the position to be judged by others, you're like a puppet.

Life is seriously so confusing. There are just so many questions and sometimes it gets so overwhelming. But it's supposed to be that way, isn't it? For life to be cruel, confusing, frustrating, hard as fuck.. but at the same time to be amazing and incredible. Balance is seriously what it's about, and that is honestly my biggest obstacle.

I keep telling myself not to care about things that don't REALLY matter to me. things that i've just been doing because i've been told that i have to, or that it's important, or that it's good for me. just things that i'm not doing for myself, you know? but even if i don't care, i still get sucked back into it and i get so caught up in all the drama and stress, and really, what for? Why do i keep putting myself through things that i don't even want? Programming is seriously so hard to get rid of, but that is the one thing i really want to change about me. It gets pretty tiring to just follow whatever people or society tells you to do or how to feel or how to act. and i might not even know i'm doing it, but i subconsciously do.

It's really hard when you know what the right thing to do is, but some part of you doesn't wanna do it. Time really does change things. You're just forced to adjust and forget even if you don't want to. And you know what? I hate that. But it makes sense, doesn't it? We'd all go crazy if time didn't heal anything and we were left to feel all these emotions. I guess it just bugs me because time is such an uncontrollable variable.

I wish i wasn't so limited and I wish I had more freedom to just explore things that i'm curious about.