Wednesday, January 12, 2011
♥
7:04 PM
I feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride. This past week, i've had such a thirst for LIFE. So many possibilities, theories, lessons, beauty! and lately, it's been fading. Maybe it's because i'm realizing i'm still stuck in this bubble and as much as i wanna explore what's out there, there are so many limitations. Or maybe i'm just the one limiting myself.. Honestly, when do we EVER get complete freedom? As long as you put yourself in the position to be judged by others, you're like a puppet.
Life is seriously so confusing. There are just so many questions and sometimes it gets so overwhelming. But it's supposed to be that way, isn't it? For life to be cruel, confusing, frustrating, hard as fuck.. but at the same time to be amazing and incredible. Balance is seriously what it's about, and that is honestly my biggest obstacle.
I keep telling myself not to care about things that don't REALLY matter to me. things that i've just been doing because i've been told that i have to, or that it's important, or that it's good for me. just things that i'm not doing for myself, you know? but even if i don't care, i still get sucked back into it and i get so caught up in all the drama and stress, and really, what for? Why do i keep putting myself through things that i don't even want? Programming is seriously so hard to get rid of, but that is the one thing i really want to change about me. It gets pretty tiring to just follow whatever people or society tells you to do or how to feel or how to act. and i might not even know i'm doing it, but i subconsciously do.
It's really hard when you know what the right thing to do is, but some part of you doesn't wanna do it. Time really does change things. You're just forced to adjust and forget even if you don't want to. And you know what? I hate that. But it makes sense, doesn't it? We'd all go crazy if time didn't heal anything and we were left to feel all these emotions. I guess it just bugs me because time is such an uncontrollable variable.
I wish i wasn't so limited and I wish I had more freedom to just explore things that i'm curious about.